I have been meaning to complete a blog about my postpartum experience. I have one in my drafts but I keep thinking about the mental and emotional side of my journey. I still plan to blog more about the physical side of my journey (because honestly, I can hardly believe I needed a walker or cane to walk for 4 weeks!) but right now, I feel the urge to document the mental and emotional journey I have been on.
I have had a lot I needed to grieve. Writing has been very therapeutic for me. And this feels good to get off my chest, despite how deeply vulnerable it is.
Let me first start by saying I am in a much better spot mentally and emotionally. Sometimes it is hard for me to even admit/acknowledge that there were very difficult months for me. Especially since I am currently in a better spot, and I try to handle everything with a positive attitude and faith in my Savior's plan. But nonetheless, it is important to me to document and write about. I need it for healing purposes anyway.
Up until a few weeks ago, I hadn't accepted or admitted that I suffered an injury. (I know this might sound crazy because it is blatantly obvious that I suffered an injury). I knew my pregnancy caused a lot of issues on my body but I sort of figured all the issues would resolve themselves with Millie's arrival. I figured I would be on my way back to living my more active lifestyle. That, obviously, did not happen.
Coming home unable to walk without assistance took its toll on me. There were a lot of tears. I had to grieve what I thought I was going to be experience in postpartum vs what I was actually experiencing.
I couldn't walk and hold my baby. That meant with every feeding, someone had to bring Millie to me and had to take her after. At times, it felt like I could only feed her. That’s all I could do. I didn't change a single diaper until her second week of life. I felt like I didn't even know what her precious, little body looked like because I never saw her undressed. I remember finding a birth mark on her during our first diaper change together. I broke down crying. I had so much guilt! I was the first one to notice this, and it wasn't until her second week of her life. I felt like I had to focus so much on my own recovery that I couldn't focus on her! That was so hard. I was worried that my lack of mobility would impact my bond with Millie (It did not in any way but it was easy to worry about in the moments).
I am exaggerating in no way - for the first 3 weeks of postpartum, I could not lift my leg to take a step unless I was holding onto something. I remember trying all over the house, just trying to take a step on my own. Eventually, I would. But in those first early weeks of postpartum, I didn't know how or when it was going to happen.
In every spare moment, I was thinking about how and when I would be able to walk again. These are not things I wanted to be thinking about/having to overcome after just having a baby. This made for long, tough days. I didn't realize it then, but I was in such a funk. The funk also brought guilt. I hated having to think about MY recovery when I had a precious, little daughter that solely relied on me to survive. I only wanted to think about her. I didn't want to have to think about me.
I craved my own independence. I had been for months and I needed to continue to rely on others for help. I could not be left alone with the girls because I could not walk and carry Millie. I was in a funk. Those were very tough months for me. I had so much to process, accept, and grieve.
But what has taken even more time to accept and grieve is that Millie will be the last baby I plan to carry (unless God has another plan). Going into my pregnancy with her, we were not planning on her being our last baby. So this has been tough to accept and grieve.
My OB and PT have told me that typically Pelvic Symphysis Dysfunction occurs even sooner and can be even more intense with each pregnancy.
Knowing that my baby raising years expire with Millie brings me an incredible sadness. I love these years so much. The rollercoaster of emotions going from not expecting a pregnancy/baby being your last to she is, has been hard as well. I feel like I am in a much better spot accepting and grieving this because my girls complete me and make me so happy. But there are still days. I am hoping that writing this helps me heal some more as well.
I truly believe God gave me Millie to help me through the darkest and toughest days of my life. She has been with me through it all. She is my light and my angel. We have such a special bond. She is exactly what our family needed. She is exactly what I need. God knew all that, and I am so thankfu!
Through this process, I have also had to give myself a lot of grace. The lack of mobility I had during pregnancy and that continued into postpartum did a number on my muscle composition. I lost so much muscle in my legs, glutes, and core. I often don't recognize my body. It is hard being kind to our bodies in postpartum and layering this on has made it even tougher. My PT recently told me that it takes 7 days for muscles to start "de-wasting", and I was immobile for months! I have learned to accept my injury and give myself time (a year) to build back all the muscle I lost. I will get there - in time.
I am not sure this covers everything but it feels good to write about. Writing this has given me clarity. It has revealed to me that I hear so much doubt in my words. I trust God and His plan but it seems like I still want control and have so much doubt. God taught/is teaching me lessons. He is teaching me patience. He is showing me that this too shall pass. He is teaching me how to grieve and submit my plans to Him. I hear you, God. In life, there are seasons. We will get through them with Him. Our God is loving and compassionate. He is the ultimate healer. Thank you, God, for all the mercies you have shown me, and please help me submit to you even more.
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